we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
