So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
my poor anus
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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