you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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