So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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