my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
