if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
