my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
