We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
