What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
