I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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