My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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