I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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