Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
