So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
