Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
