It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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