Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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