put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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