You just made me feel so damn special
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
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