Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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