why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
