Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
