"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
