One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
