yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
