I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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