I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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