I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
