My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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