My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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