Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
