my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
