Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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