he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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