I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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