woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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