U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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