She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
