I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
