We won't sleep together?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
