theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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