are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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