so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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