I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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