My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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