remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
cat food counts as protein by the way
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
