I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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