if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
She said her name was "party"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
