Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
