You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
