ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
