I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
