"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
