still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
